I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
