I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
