Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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