Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
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