She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
