I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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