Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
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