Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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