you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
