I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize