If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You pole danced in your parka.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
