After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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