Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
