I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
