in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
