i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
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