I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
