I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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