U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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