Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
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