nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize