Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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