he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
