barbara walters just said penis...
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
