Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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