I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Randomize