So drunk its hurt
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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