i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
