Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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