Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Randomize
