wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
