I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
