We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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