so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
