People in love make me want to vomit
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
