My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
