I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Randomize
