Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
