On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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