I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
