i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
