i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
