my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
