Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize