wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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