So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
