Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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