90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
