If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
