theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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