I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
