I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
