I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
