I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
