You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize