I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
