normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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