remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
