im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
