What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
