The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
