I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
