I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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