You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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