i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize