Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
