I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize