you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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