You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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