How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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